Top Ten Tuesday: Ten Things that Will Make Me Instantly Want to Not Read a Book

Ten Things that Will Make Me Instantly Want to Not Read a Book

Why they didn’t go for bookish turn-offs instead of that ridiculously long title, I have no idea? Still, it only makes sense, after a post about the things that make me read books regardless of good sense, to do a post about the exact opposite. So, here are the ten things that, whether they be in the blurb, on the cover, or in the first few pages, cause me to run screaming for the hills.

Romances in general

 Sorry, not sorry. I will never become invested in a story where the “Big Question” is whether the main character gets snogged; or whatever other bawdiness comes to mind. No, thank you, I’ll be over here with death defying adventurers and snarky magicians. You know, the actually fun stuff.

Decision plots

This is, admittedly, a rather uncommon turn off; which is why it’s so low on the list. But, I still think that everybody has read a books blurb that fixates on how “so and so has to choose between her heart and her head” or “what’s-his-name has to choose between the safety of his people or happiness and what he knows is right” etc. etc. Now what that tells me is that the main conflict is going to be caused by the protagonist being an indecisive twat. Nobody wants to be a twat, let alone read about a twat. What makes it even more frustrating is when it’s painfully obvious which choice the character is going to make. So, this type of book usually is put right back on the shelf.

Contemporaries

All of them. I don’t enjoy quirky characters wandering through life aimlessly. These books are always about dealing with real life situations (Do me a favor. Read the previous sentence in the most pretentious voice possible, please and thank you). *Yawn* if there aren’t any dragons, magic, murders, or super-secret spy organizations I’m not interested. 

Covers with half naked people staring into the distance 

Why is this a thing? How are people not intensely creeped out by it? And, how can anyone take the book seriously with “aren’t-I-super-hot” people making faces on the cover? Sure, sometimes it’s just from the neck down; but others can be worse. Much worse. I don’t care if it’s a girl or a dude, the whole thing is just plain insulting. To everyone. 

(The Mortal Instruments are a particularly bad example of this)

I cannot be the only one uncomfortable with this and it needs to stop.

Chosen One plots

Okay, these don’t even drive me crazy as much as it does some other people. But, maybe that’s just the nostalgia talking. Regardless, even I get annoyed when the blurb reads like a fantasy themed Mad Libs. “And now it’s up to this untrained [insert unimaginative protagonist] to save the world from the evil [insert dark lord substitute] with the help of [insert useless, but supportive, friends] and the magical [insert doohickey of choice].” 

Love Triangles

It’s been said a thousand times; but, since I’m still seeing crappy books churning out contrived love triangles, I guess it needs to be said again. Stop doing Love Triangles! They are just bad. No matter how you spin it the “object-o-affection” looks like a jerk and the two love interests monkey around like idiots trying to get the “object’s” attention. It’s unnecessary, overdone, and it shows everybody in an obnoxious and unlikable light; no matter how well written the relationships are. The Love Triangle is like the Bermuda triangle, perfectly good characters get lost in it.

When the blurb feels the need to tell me how hot the protagonist/co-protagonist are

Why? 80% of the blurbs these days feel the need to tack on “the sexy and mysterious” or “the dangerous but totally drop dead gorgeous” and…. I don’t care! As soon as I read that, I just know that looks are going to be the character’s defining feature; which pisses me off to no end. Tell me that they sneeze like an elephant if you have too! Just don’t tell me about how unfairly attractive they are as they breathe. The former is interesting and surprising but the latter is just annoying.

When the blurb ends with ‘but she could lose her heart along the way’ or some variation thereof

This a kind of a sub-category to the above turn off, but dang does it deserve a place on this list. Imagine you’re reading a book’s blurb. You’re getting super excited because ‘holy crap this book seem awesome’. It’s promising explosions and dragons, or whatever else tickles your fancy, and you’re just about to stuff it in your bag when your eyes read the last line - which is the poetic version of psych! All that cool stuff will just be the back drop to the burgeoning romance between Mr. and Mrs. Protagonist. 

Now, you must understand, this one offends me on a personal level. You got my hopes up, heck sometimes you even trick me into reading the book anyway! And, what do I get for my trouble? A book where the author wanted to write a romance but chickened out and added a random evildoer to give the illusion that it was worth your time. LIES! LIES, I TELL YOU!

The Dystopian

I swear it can’t just be me! But does anybody else think about how the dystopian books are basically all the same!? I mean it’s basically the depressing version of our fantasy Mad Libs. There’s always an evil government-like thing that decides when people can sneeze (seriously these things are always completely over blown) and there’s usually some “unique” something or other to make it stand out (I. E. the Hunger Games in the Hunger Games and the Harry Potter-esque sorting in Divergent). And there’s always a rebellion.  With various degrees of success, the book ends with a veritable mountain of death and a whole lot of half-priced philosophy. I’ll pass.

Coming of age stories

No! Just, no. I hate coming of age stories. It’s always about finding yourself and knowing who you are and other bull. The protagonist is always a vague and mildly stupid person who is asking the Big Questions. Stuff like who am I really and other variations. First of all . . . WHAT DO THOSE QUESTIONS EVEN MEAN?!! Do you ever wonder, oh vapid protagonist, that maybe the reason why you have to waltz around for three hundred pages is because you didn’t define your own FREAKING QUESTION?! On top of that, these stupidly ambiguous “life-changing” questions are solved in a few days; usually with very little hardship, just some simple soul searching and maybe some romance. Because goodness knows a person doesn’t continually grow throughout their entire life. No that would be too realistic. I hate these types of books, they don’t make any sense to me and I always feel like I’ve wasted my time when they’re over.

Thanks for putting up with my confused ramblings. And thanks again to the ladies at the Broke and the Bookish for starting Top Ten Tuesdays you can check them out here if you're interested. 

Secondary thanks!! go to my sister Liz who has started editing my posts for me because shockingly, I'm not good at grammar. Thanks Deina.